It’s okay… It’s okay… Everything is gonna be okay…
"Sssshh," Hokuto took a deep breath, feeling his emotion deep through his lungs. He relaxed his chaotic mind, and told himself that everything is going to be okay.
His surroundings are messed up. He could feel rage and disappointment, but he knew it was all just his fantasy. His hands are shaking uncontrollably. But it only got worse as he grabbed his hands tighter. His grip left marks. His blood was clogged, pierced by his nails. It took an hour before his hands returned to normal. If he had held on to them for longer, his palm would have been torn.
"Hokuto-san, are you ready?"
"Yes,"
With a thousand degrees of anxiety and uncertainty in his tone, Hokuto nodded. Pulling himself together to kick some asses in his rough world.
"Wilder! Yes! That gaze! Put some wind on him. Legs wider! Fabulous!"
A lot of cameras and lights spot Jesse in the middle of the site. The man took some cool poses, laughed tenderly, and spread his blazer, following the wind, as he was instructed.
With long legs and an outstanding appearance, Jesse made himself his own spotlight. Not to mention his good character, his capability to get into one’s heart makes everyone expect his presence.
"Okay, guys! It’s a wrap! Thanks for today!"
As his photo session was done, Jesse went straight to his car. He was chased by the time, site to site to do recordings and stuff.
"Jesse-san, there’ll be a runaway show next week. Hokuto-san and Juri-san will come as well," the manager said. He let Jesse know his next schedule in the very near future.
"Juri?"
"You, as the model, Hokuto-san will be the invitation, and Juri-san will be the performer for the afterparty."
"Me? The Model?" Jesse’s eyes widened. Finally, he wasn’t just a talent, but also considered enough as a model.
"Also, do you know Curtain Call Co.? A big publisher that only stars huge stars? He contacted the agency, and the executive was willing to meet you," the big cheese still came to him. Jesse could imagine that it was probably one of the best days of his life. "…they said there’s something that can only be done by you,"
"When will it be held?"
"He wants to meet you within three days," the manager added. "....If you care enough about meeting them, I can put it on your schedule,"
"Of course I will. Do I have a reason to decline it?"
"Actually, yes—,"
Day by day, the bustle is increasingly felt. Meetings to meetings, filmings, social parties. Like 24 hours is not enough, showbiz never sleeps.
Hokuto, Jesse, and Juri are the new-born stars that are expected to be showbiz’s future hope. They all came from three different fields. Hokuto is an actor; Jesse is a model who also made his way into reality shows; and Juri is a musician with unique characteristics and gaps that made him known in various genres of shows. Hokuto and Juri knew each other since they went to the same school. Jesse and Juri became close as they met a lot on variety shows. Both chemistries fit each other, which made them used to come as a team. And Hokuto and Jesse spent their time together as trainees at the same agency for years. Their duality made them seen as the perfect definition of Yin and Yang. Their closeness is out of the ordinary, but they are second to none since both of them are currently top-notch.
"Hokuto! Right here!"
Hokuto walked faster as he heard someone calling him. From where he was standing, he could see Jesse and Juri leaning on a small circular table with whiskeys in front of them.
"You killed it, man!" Hokuto bro-hugged Juri and Jesse. "I recorded your performance and Jesse’s runaway. I’ll send you later, ‘kay?"
"We’re nothing more than you, dude. I saw your film the other day. An action movie? That was really batshit!"
"Thanks, man," Hokuto smiled shyly.
"A shot for tonight?" Juri offered Hokuto a whiskey.
"I think I’d just have a soda for tonight," Hokuto declined.
"Don’t be such a chicken! Why did you even come to an after-party for a soda?"
"Do I have any requirements to have one?" Hokuto rolled his eyes. "Besides, I have an early filming in the first morning,"
That’s what should have happened. It is supposed to be that way.
Hokuto called a waiter to give him a soda. But it’s not because he has to stay sober. He had another reason why he won't take alcohol.
"Are you okay? You look pale," Juri said, looking at Hokuto closer.
"Su,-sure," Hokuto answered anxiously, looking for a safe space to run away from Juri’s gaze.
"When is the release?" Jesse asked.
"Probably next year," Hokuto answered lightly, taking his delivered soda and gargling it inside his mouth.
"It’s not mouthwash! HAHAHA," Jesse and his unique laughter caught attention.
Announcements are released everywhere, making the assumption that everyone wishes they were now on top. In the end, those things that seem to shine are ephemeral. Even for stars, when the lights are turned off, they return to being normal humans. A hard life comes their way.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Juri’s eyes wide opened as he caught Hokuto in the men’s room, standing in front of the mirror, holding a needle with his gum bleeding.
"Where did you get that from?" Juri took the needle and threw it away with a speed light. He cupped Hokuto roughly and checked the bigger guy’s mouth in worry. "What the actual fuck are you thinking, man? It’s all a slash wound!!!"
Hokuto grew silent as Juri examined how bad his reckless action was. He thought nobody would realize what he had done. It’s just a needle. Everybody could just think he’s cleaning his tartar. Above and beyond, he realized that wounds in the gums healed so quickly and were barely seen, and the sick idea came up when he was cleaning his teeth.
"Is this why you refuse to take alcohol and take soda instead? Does it hurt? Of course it hurts," Juri surrendered roughly. "For fuck sake you’ll infect your mouth if you pour them with sugar!"
"I’m sorry,"
"You better!!" Juri barked. "We’re going home now!"
"But the party is still up….."
"Do I look like I’m giving a fuck right now?" Juri glared. He took Hokuto’s soda and asked the man to wash his mouth with water. He went back to the circular table to drop the glass and excused himself to Jesse. "Hey, man! I gotta go now. Hokuto wasn’t feeling okay,"
"Oh! Is he alright?"
"I’ll get the guy home," Juri refused. He doesn’t want to make it a big deal. Moreover, Jesse has no clue that Hokuto has this bad habit.
"I’ll come with you,"
"No, you enjoy your party! I’m good. He’s okay,"
"If you need anything, you know where to find me, okay?"
"Sure! I’ll be in touch with you," Juri excused himself in haste. He called Hokuto’s manager and asked him to take them to Hokuto’s apartment.
Hokuto's mental state has always been a concern. The guy learned his bitter pill the most, so he has the tendency to do everything in a perfect way and is eager to improve. On the other hand, he takes criticism, slights, and regrets personally.
Hokuto was a perfect student who barely wasted his time socializing but aimed to get to the top. It was always like that. The admiration he got when he looked at showbiz was a big turning point in his life. All that always goes smoothly as he wishes is all vice versa. As he sank himself into the entertainment industry, he had to live with uncertainty, like it or not.
Coupled with his past as a role model student, many people saw him in disbelief. He was known as an awkward loner nerd, but now he’s stepping himself into a dazzling world that not everybody could touch.
You? An actor? Did you lose your mind? You don’t even pretend to get some friends. How can you be an actor?
Sometimes, he believed what people said about him. He thought he wasn’t that worthy. He didn’t fit in this world. Hokuto’s journey is full of rough patches. He has no VIP ticket to get to the top. Thanks to the crazy ambition he has, his success-driven ambition counterbalances his self-doubt, so he thinks it would be better to keep moving than stop and worry about little things that would go bigger automatically in his head.
As someone who knew him many moons ago, Juri tends to ask Hokuto to take his time, but the man always declines it. Juri, who always lives in uncertainty, was less stressed than Hokuto. He was so good at handling things that unexpectedly happened. He knew his character with Hokuto was upside down. He could see how Hokuto is so sensitive to stress, but he couldn’t do anything to make the guy chill. Hence, there’s something to throw the dice on when it comes to him.
"Is there something that bothered you again?"
All the dark times and bad memories seem to issue some trauma. Fighting all by himself and thinking there’s no ally around him caused Hokuto to have this extreme quirk. It all began when he was in a tight corner, where he claimed that he probably could barely hang up any longer. He scratched his head in frustration, and the pain caused him to relieve himself. When he couldn’t memorize all the lines he got, he would slap himself roughly. When he was nervous, he would scratch his hands. And when he's holding his rage, especially to himself, he’ll grip any part of his body and scotch it with his nails.
A little wound won’t affect nothing. But he is still sane enough that a stand-out wound would attract people’s attention, and his body is an asset to his job.
However, he needs to let his emotions out.
"I’m fucked up. I can’t do this anymore," Hokuto started to bite his nails, but Juri took his hands down.
"That’s not true. You just put everything that was supposed to be in order, to advance," Juri claimed. "Let’s take a deep breath for a while. Let’s jot down everything you have right now, and let’s see what we can do for priority first,"
Hokuto is never satisfied with himself. Along with the ambition that finally took him to the spotlight, his self-doubt was reversely getting deeper along with the ridiculous idealism he had of himself. Hokuto can never be at ease. Every little thing that got in his mind always led him to countless sleepless nights, thinking about how he could keep going in this world without being useless and to be expected. All the gaze he had from his past ghosted him. Along with that, he loses himself, and without warning, his body takes control of him.
Sometimes being with Hokuto felt so heavy for Juri. But he couldn’t let the man go by himself. They have always been together since high school. Both knew their own slackness, and both had each other’s backs to support them. Even though Hokuto is not Juri’s responsibility, Juri feels responsible for him as he was always by his side.
Boom… Boom… Boom…
"Juri! Why did you come late?"
"Work, man! I’m a star! Remember?" He joked.
Ear-deafening electro music echoed throughout the entire hall. People scream and shout, enjoy the party vibes of the club, dance, and get drunk.
Juri walked to the bar, ordering the strongest one to let his stress off of what he saw a couple of hours ago. It turns out that being a good man is exhausting. What he needs right now is a fun night that can lift his nuisance.
"Juri…"
The voice of a young lady calls him seductively. Despite the loud music they got there, Juri could feel the arousing whisper he got as the girl touched him, leaning on his back and calling his name gently.
Juri turned around, and the girl pecked him.
"You smelled like alcohol," the girl giggled. She wrapped Juri with her hands and sat on his lap.
"We agreed to not do this anymore," Juri sighed.
"But you seem to not hate it," teased the girl.
"I’m not," Juri scoffed, and sank his head between her breasts. "You smelled good,"
"Why do we have to stop meeting each other?"
"Because you're just my sex friend,"
"Then why did you ask me to come? You could’ve just ghosted me, or blocked me,"
"Because you know what I need," Juri said, cupping the girl and giving her a deep kiss. One reckless action caused him to do something in the same way.
Juri just wants to forget a rough day he had. He never got why Hokuto tends to cripple himself. Hokuto might be sober enough, but he can’t even control his state of mind.
If that's the case, why don’t you just lift it up by getting drunk anyway?
"The VIP room is vacant. Why don’t we go there?" the girl lured. "Just the two of us,"
✧༺♥༻∞
✧༺♥༻∞
"Is everything okay?" Jesse asked. He pulled up a chair and faced himself in the mirror, fixing his hair while waiting for the staff to call them to the set. "How’s Hokuto doing?"
"He’s good. He’s just overworked," Juri sighed. He stared at Jesse for a moment, feeling the relief he got every time he got his time to be just the two of them. It’s not like I hated him, but it would be nice if Hokuto could be this calming…
"Why’d you keep staring at me? Anything on my face?" Jesse asked.
"Nothing," Juri grinned.
Jesse is Juri’s oasis. The man had the most stable state of mind of them all. He never complained about anything, and it’s always fun to be with him. Jesse is the life of the party. And Jesse’s life is a party. He wondered if the man had ever touched the ground, feeling in-depth and lost in the dark. Because everything he saw the first time he met, was always his smile.
"Jesse, have you ever felt so angry that you just want to burst?" Juri questioned Jesse’s emotions out of the blue. As uncertainty and extreme quirks are already part of his daily intake, Jesse seems to live in a different world.
"Of course I had. I’m a human after all," Jesse chuckled. "But putting so much anger out doesn’t bring any solution. So….,"
Juri nodded, feeling so proud that Jesse could still be in that state of mind, keeping his head clear and serene within this uncertainty.
But what he doesn't know is, the happy face Jesse got is just how he behaves towards the world.
✧༺♥༻∞ Lights Off / To Be Continued
Bang…
Slam!!
Jesse shut the car’s door recklessly, making the manager jolted and concerned about the sudden mood change.
"How’s your day, Jesse-san?"
".....,"
Every time things don’t work out so well, Jesse tends to let his emotions out by treating things harshly. The banging sounds that often occur from the passenger seat tend to make the manager jerk. Even though the manager didn’t do anything wrong, it just slipped by without him realizing it.
The loud music Jesse liked didn’t feel exciting anymore. It was just a dreadful winter until a giggle could be heard through a funny text he received or a peaceful light snore as he was asleep soundly.
Click …
Jesse turned his room’s light on, and the manager followed him to his room, helping him bring his belongings. The big man threw his keys at his table severely, and put his bag on the floor, making a loud sound here and there, as a sign that he doesn’t want to give a shit about anything.
"Do you want me to do something anymore?"
"....," Jesse shook his head, showing his beef bowl and the hot latte he held. He flung himself on the couch, spread his legs, and groaned haphazardly, hinting that he was drained and not in the mood for having any single conversation.
"I’ll pick you up at 10 a.m. Please have a rest for today," the manager excused himself, and of course, Jesse didn’t reply to a single thing, not even a hum.
Jesse’s toxic trait is his cold, silent treatment. He was like an Ultraman. He was expected, to save the day, but he had limited time to be the hero. He could be burning in spirit, bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed. But as all was wrapped up for the day, his social battery turned into an exhausted cell phone battery. It heated up excessively, at worst, it could explode.
He thought it wouldn’t be a problem since no one was harmed in this matter. But he didn’t notice that the people who cared about him actually paid attention to him. His lack of processing emotions that he should have released bit by bit made him violent, even though no one was hurt.
At the time he switched to that side of him, he didn’t need any words to make people listen to him, because the atmosphere and his face already forced them to.
"Nice to meet you, I’m Jesse,"
Jesse set in stone his intention to attend the invitation from Curtain Call Co. he received the other day. The moment he stepped into the building, with all the dazzling atmosphere they had there, he could smell his brighter future. He thought it would be so nice if he could be part of this big company. From all the employees that come and go, he witnesses big stars' names through the phone they’re holding, or the report they're holding.
"So, I watched your performances, I saw your portfolios, and you caught my attention," Jesse was brought to where the executive was gathered. "Let’s get to the point here. I wish we could work together in the very near future,"
"Oh! That’s amazing!"
"Before that, let me ask you something," the executive said. ".....What if I grant you more than my offer if you stay away from Tanaka Juri?"
"Sorry, what?"
The other side of showbiz. One powerful man behind the table could turn one’s life upside down. No one can play safe here. Even if Jesse is trying his best to stay out of the problem, he can’t handle one’s heart or one’s favoritism. He was okay with being one’s favorite, but he’s at risk of being their minion instead of being his own person.
"I watched your chemistry as a team. It was good. But the thing is, he won’t fit your image. And frankly speaking, he seems like he’s not a good guy,"
"I’m sorry, I think we have a misperception here," Jesse made them sit up and take notice. ".....To be honest, he is a good guy. The thing that you said before, is probably the image he used anyways. And his presence is nothing to do with me. I mean, are you choosing me because of me, or what? What if I took your attention because he took part in it?"
"You got the point right," the leader hummed.
"Maybe you should try to have one session with him to see what’s behind that bad boy vibe you’re talking about. Probably for the next cover? Your fashion magazine was known as mind-blowing, right?" Jesse smiled meaningfully. "...In the meantime, let me excuse myself,"
Jesse walked out of the board's room, feeling depressed. His negative sides instantly assumed that they were using him to bring Juri to the ground. He started to believe there is definitely something more than this if he got this kind of start. He doesn’t want to make enemies, especially in this world he works his ass off, but he was faced with some difficult options. It was scary, but it was also irritating.
Even though he knew he was doing the right thing, his right answer could bounce back to another side of the coin. His friendship is a priority first. But he could lose his opportunity if the executives were offended, and he realized he was probably just digging his own grave.
No, I’m okay…
It’s all good… You’re not wrong, and you’re fine…
Jesse could just convince himself that if any part of his word was assumed to be offensive, he was just trying to not have a finger in a pie, or the till.
"Jesse-kun! Wait up,"
Jesse stopped as he heard someone call his name. As he turned his body, the executive from the board drew nearer to him. ".....Do you have time tonight? I was thinking maybe we could have some dinner and talk about this while relaxing,"
"Sure. I still have to go to the set right now. Maybe until 7 pm? After that, I’m all yours,"
"Right! I’ll make a reservation at 7.30 pm, okay? I’ll send you the detail later,"
One call from the executive validated his belief that he was doing the right thing. Even though he is a social butterfly, he is not a social climber who would knock someone off just because of his ambition. In the end, everybody who accepts him as he is will find him no matter what. That’s what he wants to believe.
".....I was thinking about what you said to me. And I think I would arrange one photo session as a duo too," the Curtain Call Co.’s elite said of his intention as they were having dinner.
"You won’t regret anything. Trust me! Everybody loves him,"
"If you said so," the executive laughed. "As my new regular guest appearance, I want my audience to know who he gets along with too,"
"Regular guest appearance?"
"Yeah. More like our new face for our magazine," he added. "I heard that you are close with the actor, Matsumura Hokuto. I’d love to see you have a session with him in my special edition. I met him once at another site. He’s a good kid, y’know?"
"Yeah. He’s the best,"
"I can also make him our regular guest appearance. Not like Tanaka Juri, I see no imperfection in his portfolio. Not to be rude, but I’ve never worked with Tanaka Juri before, so maybe I could be wrong,"
"We’re close to each other. I can guarantee you he’s second to none because he takes care of Matsumura the most," Jesse exclaimed. Calling Hokuto’s name along with Juri’s name definitely changes the company’s perspective. Hokuto was known as a really good man, and there was no way a good man like him could stand a bad guy by his side.
"Well, let’s do it then," The executive offered him a hand, as a sign of a deal that had been made.
Hokuto and Juri were so excited when they heard the news from Jesse. Even though the manager hasn’t told them yet, Jesse’s words are already convincing. As the company had a massive impact on the public, they don’t have any reason to refuse the offer. They would even take the job for free, as the magazine has the trademark of showing only big stars.
Finally, our time came, they cheered.
Even though the company promised them a trial, Jesse, Juri, and Hokuto ended up having their own pages, three for each. They were introduced as the new stars, and they took a lot of interviews that asked them what their best achievement was in the industry. Moreover, it was a breakthrough that, for the first time, Curtain Call released their magazine with the three of them on the cover, and Jesse in the center. It was very considerable and delightful for Jesse. Even though he got the first offer, he turned the situation downside up for Juri, and the three of them could step onto the new big stage at the same time.
Alluring and Sophisticated. That was their tagline.
One month after their first photoshoot on Curtain Call, they got huge feedback that made them make some appearances in other magazines. People talk. Like the meaning of the first magazine’s name, people want them back to have more appearance and talk about things. For the first time in their lives, Jesse, Hokuto, and Juri left their house on the first morning and went back in the middle of the night for days because they got interviews for more than 20 magazines. Not only that, the managers’ phones don’t stop ringing. A lot of calls from many fields came to them, offering opportunities to become part of them.
Of course, as the wind rose, the big waves also came to strike.
"Juri, have you seen the news?" Hokuto’s call breaks the silence. "Someone brought your history chat to the public,"
"What chat?" He has no idea what mess he caused. His last memory is that he drowned in his new game until 3 am, so he came a little late to work.
"You tell me! Last month, 9 PM at Rosy Club?" Hokuto said snarkily while showing the man his phone screen.
Juri frowned. He stopped for a while and pondered who was the potential one to come begging for the spotlight.
"That bitch," Juri swore in a low tone.
"That explains a lot," Hokuto scoffed.
"You good?" Jesse asked. "Who is she?"
"A bitch I should’ve stayed away from a long time," Juri murmured.
Society bangs them rough. Once, they might have been under the spotlight, but one slight mistake made by their surroundings caused them to carry their sin. So many people don’t even care about how their actions could impact others. One click could cause chaos, and most of them take the opportunity to feel the spotlight on them.
"Juri, you promised me not to do that again!" Hokuto peeved.
"I’m sorry. It’s just a one time. I was having a rough day, and then she came at the right time,"
"One time? Came at the right time? It feels like you invited her to meet you," Hokuto barked. "Do you know that stupid thing could cost your whole career? Is that what you want?"
"I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would become a mess,"
"Well, you should’ve known that! What are you? An amateur?" Hokuto still can’t keep himself cool. "This is your time, and one single shit like this could ruin all your hard work!"
"I’m sorry. Really!"
"Does that mean I don’t have to keep my promise too?" Hokuto’s threat made Juri unnerved and wide-eyed. "The date was written after the runaway show. Does that mean we’re even? Or should I could just say sorry like this from now on?"
"No, Hokuto! Sorry! Believe me, I won’t do that again! Please," Juri begged. The promise he made with Hokuto was a big deal and could cost one’s life. "I won’t do that again. Please, keep your promise to me,"
"I don’t know, man. My promise seems none of your business anymore," Hokuto laughed scornfully. He packed his belongings and left their green room for the next job.
"Hokuto!" Juri blocked Hokuto from passing. "Promise me you won’t get crazy!"
"None of your business!"
"It is my business!" he insisted. "I won’t let you go until my mind’s at ease!"
"I got shit to do!!" Hokuto hissed and walked away.
"......What promise?" Jesse, who witnessed the restlessness, posed.
"My promise to not pick a random woman anymore as a friend with benefit,"
"…..And his promise to you?"
".......It’s just a brotherhood promise we made when we were in high school," Juri answered hazily.
✧༺♥༻∞
✧༺♥༻∞
How’s everything going? Do you have time to grab some meals with me today?
—Sure, after 7 pm, I’m all yours.
"Hey, do I have anything after 7 pm?" Jesse asked his manager.
"No. Why?"
"Can you take me to this restaurant? It’s in Ginza," Jesse said, showing the restaurant detail on his phone screen.
"Are you meeting someone?" the manager asked. Jesse’s fired-up mood is a sign that he’s sober enough to have a conversation, even an idle one.
"The executive from Curtain Call,"
"Do I need to know something about this meeting?" the manager seemed stupefied. "Because the last time I checked, you met him without telling me,"
"Maybe it’s because it didn’t go as you told me. Isn’t that a good thing?" Jesse was cast aside. "Besides, it led me to get these big jobs. He might just give me another job, along with giving us our first feedback,"
"Have you checked the boards' background? You already have a lot of friends there. Have you contacted any of them?"
"I assumed that was supposed to be privacy?" Jesse tilted his head. "Why do you care so much? It’s a big cheese we always wanted, right?"
"Because you are my talent, and my job is not only to pass you the job, but also to protect you," the manager seemed to stress out his concern, but Jesse doesn’t seem to listen. ".......Just let me take you there, and I’ll wait until you finish,"
"Help yourself, then," Jesse shrugged.
Jesse’s purity sometimes makes people take it for granted. The positivity he had makes him believe that everyone is a good person. An invitation always sounds like a party to him. Not to mention that showbiz is a party life, like it or not, he would say yes, since it was the only ability he had to get a job. Socializing. But he was too naive to think that everyone who came near him was golden.
"How’s everything going?"
The sound of a crystal glass tumbling sounds delightful. French cuisine was served, along with a good view of the 40th floor.
"I appreciate all your consideration. I had so much fun, and so do my guys,"
"Me either. Tanaka is a good man, as you said," the executive of Curtain Call Co. said, taking another sip of his white wine. "So, do we still have our deal?"
"Do I still have to stay away from Tanaka?"
"Maybe I can use him for a specific theme for my magazine," he answered lightly. "And Matsumura Hokuto could get the VIP ticket to be our regular guess star as well,"
"I appreciate that,"
"But there’s one condition," Jesse’s heart throbbed as the elite touched his hand. "...three days in a week, after work is done, you’re mine…"
"I,-I’m sorry, I’m not following,"
"I already granted your wishes. Now you grant mine," he defined. "You already said that twice, right? After work is done , I’m yours, "
"T,-That’s not what I meant,"
"Just think about it. I gave you jobs, I gave your friends jobs, you got so many opportunities to become known, and this is how you repay me?"
Jesse gulped. "I’m sorry. I’m not gay,"
"I know. That is to say, you just have to close your eyes and enjoy the moment," the elite stroked his hands to Jesse’s thigh, getting nearer to his crotch. "It’s all just meat. Our bodies don’t know the difference. But the pleasure is solid,"
Jesse gritted his teeth. This is what his manager warned him about before. He already warned him at the very beginning that he had the right to refuse the offer. Even though Curtain Call Co. hired big stars, there’s a dark secret behind them. Their talents are the elites’ servants. The boards consist of many powerful successors that make them still top-notch no matter what. It was a rumor that was well-known and not a secret anymore. Now, they wanted Jesse to be one of their pets.
He should’ve just listened to the people who have always been closest to him. Now that he simply thought he got a sudden miracle that would bring him a brighter future, he sank himself in filthy mud instead.
"How was the meeting with Curtain Call Co.?" The manager asked him through the back mirror, feeling a severe atmosphere from Jesse, who kept biting his nails. He didn’t get wild, but winter still came.
"…….can we stop over at Hokuto's house?" Jesse asked with the deepest tone he could get.
"But it’s already 11 pm," the manager seemed to be puzzled. "He’s not a night person, right?"
"Just send me there. Then you can go home," Jesse emphasized.
The emotional turmoil Jesse was experiencing at the moment made him not know what to do. There are so many consequences he would get if the man refused the offer. He is not only sacrificing himself but also his two best friends.
Who would have thought what bad things would happen next. With many people in power, their lives would be wasted in one blink. Especially if the fact is being overturned.
Jesse is powerless. He could get screwed with whatever option he chooses.
Heavy sighs and crashes from a blow to his body could be heard from the back. It was as if someone were getting ready to pull a fist.
✧༺♥༻∞
✧༺♥༻∞
Ding… dong…
Hokuto was stunned for a while as he heard someone ringing the bell. He has no clue about inviting someone to his house, especially in the middle of the night. He generally already sleeps at this hour, but another night of frustration made Hokuto drown in his deep negative thoughts.
Hokuto held his breath as he saw Jesse on his intercom screen. He cudgeled his brains into what made Jesse come to his house without any notice. He looked down at his hands, which were injured from scratching, and he thought it was not the right time to meet him.
" Of course he is asleep. What am I thinking? "
Jesse’s desperation could be heard in his sigh. He then walked around, exhaled in frustration, grabbed his own hair, and bit his own hand to reduce the scream he couldn’t hold anymore. He didn’t know that Hokuto was still watching him through the intercom. The man saw that Jesse was about to leave. With the second thought he had, Hokuto rushed downstairs, following him because Jesse’s peculiar side was out of habit.
Smack!!!
"Fuck!!!!"
Jesse chugged a can of alcohol, slammed it to the ground, and smacked it into the concrete. From afar, Hokuto followed him to see what happened. The big man is unusually out of control, and a dim light at the park can’t erase his presence.
Jesse knew he was on the wrong path. His anger towards himself makes him not know how to process his feelings. He babbled, cursing himself, groaned, and threw his anger aimlessly, like always.
"Jesse?" Hokuto called the bigger man unintentionally. Jesse turned his face right away, and Hokuto was shocked that he was finding himself calling his friend like he wanted him to stop what he was doing.
"Hokuto," Jesse responded with a low tone. "What are you doing here? I thought you were asleep,"
"What do you mean?" Hokuto played dumb. "What are you doing here?"
"I went to your house, and you didn’t answer,"
"Why didn’t you call me first?" he asked, but Jesse didn’t answer. Hokuto drew nearer to Jesse to check on him. The man looked so messy. The frowning eyebrows that Hokuto didn’t use to see were clearly seen.
"Are you okay?" Hokuto asked.
Jesse let out a deep sigh and leaned his big body on Hokuto. The smaller man was cornered and took some steps back by the gravity of Jesse’s weight. The fired-up excitement and Jesse’s smile were unseen. Not even a slight.
While patting Jesse’s back, he peeked at his injured hands. The relief that he got as he found every wound in his body and the picture of how Jesse went mad made him feel like he knew Juri's perspective.
Is this what Juri feels?
"......Wanna come to my house?" Hokuto asked.
✧༺♥༻∞ Lights Off - To Be Continued
"What’s the matter?" Hokuto put out two cups of hot tea to be served.
Jesse could just throw a deep gaze at the man. He got a picture of how Juri and Hokuto would react in disappointment as he told them what happened. That any of the decisions he took would be a double-edged knife. If he restrains himself and pulls himself out, he could possibly lose everything. Jobs, connections, and he also sacrifices his friends' lives. However, if he surrenders, what will they think of him if someone finds out?
"Hokuto, have you ever kissed a guy?"
"What?" Jesse’s question put Hokuto’s eyes on stalks.
"Sorry. Have you ever been kissed by a guy? Wait, no. I mean……" Jesse tried to rephrase it, but it still doesn’t sound right. "Let me rephrase it. Have you ever taken on a role where you should kiss a guy?"
"What the fuck is that question?" Hokuto laughed. "You kissed me playfully, and now you came with that question?"
"It’s just a joke. I mean……wholeheartedly?"
"Are you taking a gay role? Or you’re having a crush on someone? To me?"
"Not you, idiot!" Jesse scoffed. "....but this might have something to do with you,"
Jesse took a deep breath before he heavy-heartedly told Hokuto what happened. How it started, how it was going, and how this would impact their career life. As expected, Hokuto was dumbfounded by what Jesse had. For a slight moment, Hokuto felt that he had been too focused on himself all this time, being so impatient and never satisfied with what he got, while his best friend was about to surrender to protect his friends.
"It’s just…….I’m just thinking if I had to do this, I want to ask you how you could organize your heart when you’re doing it,"
"Jesse, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to," Hokuto asserted.
‘But I’m afraid of what’s gonna happen to you all,"
"In the end, people will find us because of the track record we have with them. Not because of some bullshit from the son of a bitch," Hokuto added. "Jesse, you have a big heart. You should listen to yourself,"
It’s never been easy to live in this world. It’s never been easy to stay squeaky clean and healthy without assistance. Like everyone else's life, risks should be taken. The bigger the risk they took, the bigger the chance they possibly caught. However, the most ethical thing to do is stay gold, even if they are put on the edge.
It takes courage to take a one big step. In the middle of the night, Hokuto made a call to Juri and asked the guy to come to his house.
As it was a rare call, Juri, who knew how Hokuto could act crazy, dashed to the man’s house without second thoughts. He was at a loss for words as he found Jesse in Hokuto’s house. The atmosphere doesn’t feel right. But Juri seemed at ease as he saw that Jesse’s emotional state was unchanging. That is to say, nothing serious has happened to Hokuto. Without further question, Hokuto leads the conversation and lets Jesse do the explanation.
".....I thought your life was such a party," Juri hummed.
"This one is the aftermath where you get drunk and fucked up," Jesse laughed scornfully.
The three of them set in stone that no matter what happened, they’d stay close and take care of each other. Hokuto chews over the situation and conjures up an image of all the possibilities that would happen in the near future. He settles on a plan of saying this to the agency and asks for their protection. As Jesse was afraid that the facts would be reversed, Hokuto defined that Jesse’s popularity and connections are chances to make a defense. He then asked Jesse to tell the manager as it is and make the thing a priority first before going to work.
"I’m sorry for not listening to you," Jesse apologized to his manager.
As Jesse had shown the ropes to the manager, he took Jesse to the board and talked through the issue. He can’t blame Jesse any further, because socializing is his power, yet it becomes his weakness as well.
The man needs protection, and the kind-hearted guy who always tried to stay golden deserves it.
"Jesse, this is not gonna be easy. But if you stay strong, we will pass through this,"
As feared, the job offers that came like magic instantly disappeared. Jesse didn’t lose his job, but he didn’t get the easy opportunities like what is provided through the Curtain Call Co.
Phone calls that suddenly cancel their work often feel suffocating. Unconnected job calls, and the side-eye treatment he got made him feel that he was not that big to influence people and control the situation. It was heartbreaking, and it was backbreaking, but Jesse told himself that he just had to be his own person. There’s no clue of what reached people’s ears, but those who have known him for years still maintain their closeness which gradually changes the situation to what it was supposed to be, step by step.
Not only Jesse, Hokuto and Juri also faced the same situation. As they are known as Jesse’s best friends, accusations that came from bullshit also labeled them. Even for those who dared to ask, it took time for them to openly give the opportunity back to Hokuto and Juri since the opponent they were facing was no small feat.
"Seems like our connection is a marvel for the public. What are we? Magical Doremi?" Jesse laughed while reading the comment written online. It turns out that their chemistry is back in demand.
"I know, right? A model, an artist, and an actor? Are we literally Marvel or something?" Juri replied. He knocked on Hokuto's green room to call the guy to come along with them to the set. "….Hokuto, we’re coming in!"
"Please, stop… Please… I’m begging you,"
In the corner of his green room, Hokuto was found pale, shaking, and not ready for the shot. His manager stood by his side, holding a glass of water, while the costume staff held a towel for him. Hokuto was showered by his cold sweat, and he seemed like he was threatened by something.
"Hokuto, are you okay?!" Jesse dashed to the man and examined his body temperature to make sure that he was okay. "You’re soaked. What happened??"
"He’s been like this for like 5 minutes," the manager said. He was new, and he panicked since he had never seen Hokuto like this. All the managers that were attached to him should’ve known his condition, but Hokuto was just so good at hiding it. Not to mention he needs a lot of time to open himself again and again every time the manager switches.
"I’m sorry… I’m sorry…," Hokuto couldn’t help himself to stop his trembling hands. He found himself struggling to breathe, and frantic incredibly.
"Hey, hey! C’mere! There’s no need to be sorry," Jesse drew himself nearer to Hokuto, giving him a nice warm hug, and rubbed his back gently. "It’s alright, buddy! It’s alright!"
"Hey, I’m sorry, can we take five?!" Juri, who witnessed the condition, went straight off to the staff, begging for another break. "Hokuto isn’t feeling well,"
"Do we need to stop and reschedule it for another day?" the manager asked.
"He’s fine," Juri asserted. He sent all the staff to the green room entrance so he could give Hokuto a private space. "Please tell the staff that Hokuto needs more time to prepare,"
"Should I tell them his condition?" the panicking manager wasn’t being helpful.
"Whatever!! Use your brain!!" Juri barked and slammed the door.
It has always been like this for years. Although Hokuto believes he got way better as he got allies, the stress level in his body seemed to trust no one. The first time he got himself into this panic attack, Juri was with him. The sudden symptoms he got put him in turbulence, and it lasted almost an hour. It was a continuation of his bad habit of torturing himself. When he was out of his mind, Juri could still talk through him, but when he was out of control, Juri was afraid that he couldn’t watch the guy’s back all the time.
"Let’s take a deep breath with me now," Jesse led Hokuto to take a good breath with him.
"I’m sorry. I should’ve not made you in trouble," Hokuto murmured. "Why do I always have to be a piece of shit?"
"You’re not causing any trouble, and you’re not a piece of shit," Jesse affirmed.
"It doesn’t stop! I can’t stop it!"
"Hokuto, the more you panicked, the worse it got!" Juri exclaimed.
"But everybody is waiting for us!"
"So that’s why, you have to remain calm and think that everything is okay," Juri bent himself and rubbed Hokuto’s thigh, giving him a gentle touch of warmth.
"You’re okay, everything is okay. We would get through this together, we've got your back, and you are not alone," Jesse whispered gently. "They won’t be mad at you. They’re expecting the best version of you. And you’re going to be the best and kick some asses out there,"
With Jesse’s guidance, Hokuto maintained his breath, while affirming all the positive words Jesse threw at him.
A secret has been made as Hokuto refused to take his time off until he got better. The possible course of action he could take is either to take some time off, get some medication, and not be busted for having this disease, or he could still hustle while having to tell everyone he is attached that he could be out of control. Hokuto assumed that taking his time off meant he would feel more like trash, so while bearing the risk of telling anyone about his condition, he committed himself to continue his job.
Every manager who takes care of Hokuto has the duty of knowing his every condition. But his agency has a shifting system, and Hokuto also takes a lot of time to put trust in people. Every time the manager shifted, he confined himself back to his shell, and that also increased his stress level. However, Hokuto is also good at hiding things. None of them but Juri knew that Hokuto tends to torture himself when he is upset with himself, and the panic attack he had was close to a rumor for the managers.
"Since when is he like this?"
As Hokuto managed to pull himself together, Juri and Jesse helped themselves out so the guy could get himself ready.
"I don’t know. It’s already been years," Juri shrugged. "The worse one, when he’s upset with himself, he tends to hurt himself to get relief from its pain,"
"What?!"
"Remember when I took him home suddenly at an after-party?" Juri was hinting at an event in which Jesse was involved. "He scratched his gum with a fucking needle, and he poured it with soda when his mouth was bleeding. He could've to rot his wound with that!"
Jesse’s jaw dropped.
"He never meant to end his life. He was just looking for the pain to relieve him, and to feel all the stress he got was actually lighter than the wound he carried. But of course, it can lead him to death when he is out of control," Juri sighed. "The promise you asked me the other day, we promised to not crash our own lives. I stop looking for a sex friend, and he’d stop hurting himself,"
"We've been together for so long, and I don’t know any of this?" Jesse’s eyes were on stalks. He never heard any of this, and it pissed him off since they have gotten along well for years.
"I should’ve let you know for a long time. To be honest, talking to you is such a relief. I can’t handle it by myself any longer. You’re doing great, man. I can never handle him as fast as you did," Juri rejoiced. "However, that doesn’t make my action of not letting you know true. The thing is, I don’t think that Hokuto allows me to tell you on purpose,"
"The managers know, but me? Even the new one?"
"They are attached to Hokuto every day! Of course they've gotta know it. It’s for his own safety!" Juri defended himself.
"What about our connection? Aren’t we more attached to him than them? I got my rights to protect my friends too," Jesse said, shutting Juri’s mouth. "……Is he on medication?"
"No, he’s not. It's rarely shown, but once it’s occurred, it’s always unpredictable," Juri answered. "It might be the first time the manager looks at it since he behaved well enough in front of them,"
Jesse was still trying to absorb what he faced. He knew Hokuto was a man full of ambition. But he doesn’t know that the ambition itself almost burns him to death. He felt like he was responsible for not becoming aware of that during the time they spent together all this time. He was busy socializing to get some more opportunities while his friend was in danger.
To cut a long story short, the opposite attraction between these three got a red string. They did everything they could but ended up blaming themselves because of the reverse situation their friend had. It was nobody’s fault after all, but they just had this deep connection that made them feel responsible for each other. They want to have each other’s back. They want to be their own power, but they actually need a hand, and nothing popped into their mind because they think they need to pull their own shit together.
"Jesse, there’s something I haven’t told you," Juri’s whisper caught Jesse’s attention. The bigger guy prepared for the worst thing he hadn’t heard. "Thank you for standing up for me. I’m sorry for the lost opportunities you should’ve had because of me,"
"Hokuto reminds me to not lose my heart. So I just followed my heart, and I think I was doing the right thing," Jesse shook his head. "Besides, you’re actually saving my life,"
"Why so?"
"Because, if you’re not being your own person, protecting your image like a damn bad boy, I could’ve just fallen into their trap instantly," Jesse said, extending his arm to Juri’s shoulder. "Hokuto might even be the potential victim as well, so you’re saving the two of us,"
Jesse’s positivity never fails to make Juri teary eyes. Like a burden that lifted up and became scattered, Juri didn’t hold himself back anymore to sob.
"I was thinking that I’d die for you, Jes,"
"Don’t die for me," Jesse chuckled.
"After all you’ve done? No way. I’d even die if you ask me to,"
"Then live for me,"
Living in a dazzled industry is not easy. Especially for stars, who are public figures that people look up to. The urge to show one’s true nature also costs everything. Pretending to be okay could cause one to lose themselves. And the bad image they had absolutely put them at risk. The rivalry is no joke. People would kill each other to get to the top. Staying golden in this industry is also close to impossible. There are so many things to sacrifice to walk the right path. But Jesse, Hokuto, and Juri are abreast to demolish the stereotype.
With their opposite attracts, they look up to each other and protect each other. With Jesse’s ability to enlighten the atmosphere, Juri and Hokuto can convince themselves to stay positive, no matter what happens. Hokuto, with his ambition, is a role model for Jesse and Juri to stay strong and have faith that hard work will pay off. And Juri, with his obliviousness, is the epitome of always being one’s own person, so that they don’t lose themselves and everyone is not easily messing with them.
With all the archetypes they had, they still did not forget to always be humble, respectful, and grateful. They still feel that they are also ordinary people who face life and go to work like everyone else. They are still who they are, even though the lights have been turned off.
✧༺♥༻∞ Lights Off (END)